What time is it?

It snowed 19” Saturday night. Then it rained on top of it Sunday morning. Crystal rain, coming down hard enough you could feel that you were being pelted with mini icicles. Lots of trudging for a couple of days especially because the plow broke. Up and down the hill, in and out of the goat pen, freeing the kids from the snow wall that built around the opening to their shelter. The dogs were hilarious. At one point it looked like Xerox was swimming through the snow. And this night, as I sit in the warmth of a fire, with ice cream batter cooling down, the city feels so far away. Would others who have made the same transition find it much more difficult? Would a storm like the one that moved through last night send them packing as soon as they could shovel their car out? I sometimes wonder what it is that draws me to live so far removed from town that some days and even weeks, you don't see anyone but those you live with. Of course there are those moments when I feel I must get to town just for the sake of getting to town. Though most of the time I'm content on the farm with no need to go to town. There are countless moments where I must pause to simply take in the beauty that surrounds me. Why just the other day, as I was shoveling snow off the roof of the greenhouse project, I was surrounded by some of the coolest cloud formations I've ever seen. The sun was covered by a cloud thin enough that you could look at the disk without squinting. That was to the south. To the north there was a mix of clouds hugging the hills with patches of clear, bright blue sky. Every few minutes the whole scene would change. I was grateful for something to observe as I rested, shoveled, rested, shoveled, shoveled, rested, shoveled...

Another difference, besides the weather, that I have been noticing lately is in time management. My life in Philly was pretty much scheduled every day. I knew when I was 'on' and I knew when I was 'off.' Here, on and off time dance in flow. For instance, we were expecting to work then were afforded time off because of the weather. The other week, E was 'on' milking and I was 'off', eating breakfast. When he showed up for breakfast, he revealed that the machine was frozen and hadn't gotten to the milking yet. Suddenly we're all 'on,' to get the goats milked by hand. I'm not saying it's more difficult to live this way, just different. Seems to take a lot more flexibility and if one isn't careful, free time can slip away into day after day of work.

In my 'off' time, I've been reading this series of documents called “The Law of Time Study Book.” They describe the Mayan calendar with its 13 months, one for each full moon of the year. The biggest point to come across is how our relationship to time, and therefore the Earth, has been skewed because of our current calendar. The Gregorian calendar we now use was created in the late 16^th century...a mere 5 centuries ago...by Pope Gregory. It was based on the 360 degrees of a circle, an element of space. The extra 5 days were added arbitrarily to get the length of the year close to the solar year. The Mayan calendar is based on the 28 days of the moon cycle, an observation of time rather than space. The folks that wrote this info about the Mayan calendar were saying how we've gotten it backwards: the dimension of space is contained by the dimension of time, not the other way around. A small but important difference. 13 months at 28 days gives 364 days. The 365^th day is called “day out of time” and is a 'free' day, one for forgiveness and atonement. This day was given to ceremonies and celebrations. What a great idea!

Here is a wonderful thought from this series of readings:

“Just as air is the atmosphere of the body, so time is the atmosphere of the mind; if the time in which we live consists of uneven months and days regulated by mechanized minutes and hours, that is what becomes of our mind: a mechanized irregularity. Since everything follows from mind, it is no wonder that the atmosphere in which we live daily becomes more polluted, and the greatest complaint is: ‘I just don’t have enough time!’ Who owns your time, owns your mind. Own your own time and you will know your own mind.”

This reflects back on the differences in time I've been experiencing. Here, I own my time completely. Therefore, according to the above quote, my mind is free, it is unowned by anything else except me. What is a girl to do with complete ownership of her own mind? Well, I wish I could articulate more about this yet I haven't quite figured it out. Fow now, my mind and time are headed for the evening chores of feeding the animals their hay.

Missing you all, happy holidays.

Peace and Love for the whole planet.

Maureen

Winter

Winter has officially arrived with highs in the 20's and snow on the ground. As I type, I look out the window and notice it looks like it has started snowing again. There are major differences between winter here and winter in Philly. First, is the water factor. It's quite dry here so the cold doesn't sink into your bones the way it does back east. Also, there are a myriad of winter sports to enjoy from your front doorstep, no need to drive at least an hour outside the city to enjoy. I picked up a snowboard from the annual ski swap for $20! I'm psyched to try it out though we'll need a little more snow for that. Another difference is the lack of noise. A Philly snowstorm means plows, snow shovel scraping, and cars sliding down the road sometimes crashing. Here it is simply quiet. It's as if the snow absorbs the sound out of the air. It is one of my favorite things about winter here so far. At times, if you are still enough, you can even hear your heart beating. If you have trouble hearing your heart, you can always chop some wood and get the heart pumping faster.

We may have seen the ground for the last time until spring. Same for the road. Though it is plowed and sanded, they save the salt and de-icer for more frequently travelled and dangerous areas, like some of the curves on Twisp River Road that, if missed, will easily lead you into the ditch or field below. There is one curve that reminds me of the recurring dreams I used to have of driving off a cliff and flying towards the ground below. I slow down plenty for that one!

Winter also means layers of clothes, preferably wool. My long johns were still in my storage bin this morning so I grabbed a pair of my cotton yoga pants to wear under my 'outer' wool pants...the ones that are ok to get all goat-ified (billy goats have a distinct aroma). Though I was warm enough not to be running back inside, the cotton yoga wear isn't as warm as a pair of long johns. So, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks or one super thick pair, and then at least 3 shirts under the coat. Today it was a tank top, a wool long-sleeved T-shirt, a wool zip-up, and then my coat. I could have used one more layer. My skin will be lily-white before spring, giving it time to repair from the sun damage of the last few years.

Rest assured, I am staying warm. All the wood collecting of the previous weeks has paid off. It's fun to learn to regulate each stove for it's size and 'draw.' (Draw is the amount of oxygen it will pull through the dampers and up the chimney.) In our little cabin, we can rock the temperature up to 90 degrees with little effort. It will get hot enough in there that the windows beg to be opened or you feel compelled to run outside in your underwear or just a pair of boots. Super fun. With the shared bathroom, there hasn't been a need to heat up water on the stove and bathe outside, but...you may think i'm crazy...i'm looking forward to it. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day with highs of 11-17 degrees.

For now, back to slicing apples for the dehydrator. We just filled a 5-gallon bucket and are working on a second. Tonight we may also fire up the sweat lodge. Ah, life is good. And it's definitely snowing again. 

P.S.  i wrote this entry a couple of days ago.  Since then the high's have been in the teens, dipping easily into single digits and below zero at night.  Enough to make the water pipes freeze!  oh, and some more snow! 

Close to the Earth

Today, after a couple of weeks of seeing snow on the mountain tops, it finally snowed here in the hills. Woo hoo! Yesterday, when I heard the weather report called for an 80% chance of precipitation, I thought it would rain. The snow is much nicer. We were planning to have a full day of work framing out a greenhouse we were hired to build by a friend of ours. Instead we are here in the 'play' room, next to the fire, bellies full after our BAT sandwiches. That's bacon, avocado, and tomato, yum! The bacon came from the pigs that were raised last year. In the last entry, I mentioned we were fattening the pigs and chickens. Since then...and my vegetarian friends or those sensitive to such realistic information may not like to hear this...I've learned how to butcher pigs and pluck chickens. It is amazing the difference in the taste of the meat...even different from the 'organic' labelled meats from Whole Foods. If you're a meat eater, I strongly encourage you to find out where your meat comes from, beyond the label of organic. If you're not eating organic meat, please watch the movie Food, Inc. and you may change your mind. If for whatever reason you can't afford such high priced items, say prayers before you eat your food that it nourishes you and nourishes the earth it came from. A few years ago I stopped eating chicken after watching baby chicks have their beaks clipped in the movie Baraka. It wasn't just that they were getting their beaks clipped, it was that thousands of them were being thrown into these chutes and handled as if they were just another item on a factory assembly line...actually that's just what they were. Any thought of these animals being another living, breathing item seemed to be removed from the equation. I only started eating chicken about a year and a half ago on my first visit to this place I now call home.

How can I eat something I've been raising? How can I kill and butcher something I've been feeding and spending time with? Looking it in the eye, talking to it, sending it prayers of good health? Intention. Having experienced the whole process, I can share that it is way more humane to feed your own animals for eating than it is to buy them from the grocery store. You know exactly what you're getting, where it has been and how it has been treated. These days, even if something is labelled 'organic,' there's no gaurantee that it was treated humanely or with care. These pigs and chickens had a great life. They ate grain that was grown here, grinded and mixed by us, as well as being fed yummy scraps of veggies and fruit. Did you know chickens will eat a giant zucchini in a very short amount of time? Just give it to them whole, they'll peck at it and devour it quickly. Some of you may be of the opinion that to kill an animal and eat it isn't very yogic. However, I am of the mind that anything done with awareness and objectivity is a yogic activity. Even if you are a vegetarian, do you know where your food comes from? Do you know how you would eat if the grocery store wasn't stocked? What will happen if oil becomes scarce and delivery trucks don't run?  Not to be an alarmist, but it's a reality that we are no longer producing as much oil as we were. The are past what they call 'peak oil' and are now on the down slope of the bell curve.

In this area, I am surrounded by people who think about measures of sustainability. We can raise animals because we grow the grain and hay they need to eat. From these animals we receive our meat and dairy. Other meat sources are wild game, mostly venison and turkey.  The only eating out I've done are the pot lucks held at a neighbor's home with the food they've been growing or have raised or hunted themselves.

And speaking of yoga, I can say that it is an absolute necessity in maintaining my ability to live out here. After a couple of weeks of no yoga, my body started twisting up and feeling out of whack (hence the back spasms a few weeks ago). It's often a challenge to make time for a practice with all that has to be done while the sun is up, but recently I reached the point where I realized I have to practice in some way every day to maintain a level of sanity and physical function. I've started a simple morning routine: a few shoulder streches, the six movements of the spine, and a breathing exercise. It takes about 10 minutes all together and I've noticed a difference just in the last couple of days. I am so grateful for all that i've learned and am continuing to learn. I look forward to sharing my learning curve.

Sat Nam.

New Place, New Space, New Faces, Same Me

It has been weeks since my last entry.  In that time I have ventured to an entirely new place and way of being, though strangely, I feel a sense of returning home that I haven't felt before.  The coast of Maine speaks to me of home, though instead of the feel of newness & novelty, openness and comfort, the home of Maine is steeped in memory of angst-filled growing pains and time spent quietly in nature.  The town I'm living in is called Twisp.  

It's a blend of farmers, artists, & tourists with unique individuals who are a blend of many things.  Lots of ski tourism here with the long winter season.  Rumor speaks of a longer and colder winter than the valley has seen in a while.  Lots of snow however, means short growing seasons which leaves farmers scrambling to finish harvest and winter preparations before snow and freeze.  We, my partner and I, are of this latter category.  Let me rephrase, I'm learning to be of this latter category.  I cannot yet call myself a farmer having not yet experienced a full growing season.  I arrived in time to help harvest onions, potatoes, cabbage, apples, late tomatoes, and more...oh! Squash.  Yum.  We're also fattening the pigs & chickens for winter food and collecting firewood in our spare time.  Have you heard the joke about the disciple who asked his guru, “How does one find enlightenment?” The guru replied, “Chop wood, carry water.”  The student returns and asks, “Guru, what does one do after he becomes enlightened?”  The reply: “Chop wood, carry water.”  Sounds simple and is absolutely one of the things that brought me here to this rural locale however, that guru might have had someone supplying the wood.  Here we drive into the National Forest (which we live right next door to, truly only a block away in city scale), use a chainsaw to cut up standing or fallen dead trees, load them onto “The Boss” the beast of a farm truck, dump them really close to where you want it then proceed to stack into a proper woodpile and chop into smaller pieces of wood either right away or as needed. There's a joke around here about this wood being a 'triple burner.'  It creates heat when you gather it, again when you chop it, and a third time when you burn it.  

I've been here three weeks and it's been full.  Feels like much longer and yet no time at all, certainly diving into that space of timelessness that I have so longed for.  I have been reminding myself to go easy, to not beat myself up for not being able to run the farm single-handedly by myself already.  Such is the nature of my swollen ego to think i'm quick enough, smart enough and strong enough for such a monster task.  It's either my ego or my self-destruct button (are they the same?).  Anyway, after 3 weeks here, I felt I was slipping into a rhythm and then yesterday my back goes into spasm.  Apparently my rhythm needs to be a little slower.  Which is why I have this time to sit and write this morning.  Yesterday at this time I was helping to plant garlic in long rows...which, for you garlic lovers out there, it's not that difficult to grow, just have to look out for mites, so I encourage you to plant it at home.  Homegrown garlic is way better than store bought varieties. (Try Persian Star or Chesnian Red)  Yesterday the raking and kneeling to plant each clove in the ground was too much and I was forced to sit the afternoon out...gratitude to my partner who pushed the issue.  I wouldn't have stopped and would have suffered longer than necessary.  I'm grateful for the slow down, the time to re-focus and reconnect with all of you.  May you all take time to slow down and be grateful.

Love Love Love

Maureen

One Last Long Look at the Ocean

Any of you who love the ocean may likely be familiar with the need to take that one last long look at the ocean before you head inland. I awake today in that mood. It's early, just 6am, raining and dark. My nose is running and my sunburn from the other day (when I was at the ocean) has led to fever blisters...a drag as I head to spend the first days of togetherness with my man! However, none of this is diminishing a feeling of wonder and nostalgia as I begin my journey west today. Philadelphia has been my home for over a decade. I moved here in September of '98, first to Manayunk, the Roxborough, then downtown, then East falls, then Upper Darby. I feel lucky to have known this city intimately in lots of ways, spending time in many neighborhoods, many restaurants (love you Chloe!), most of the park system...It is a fine city and I hope those living here remember to treat it with the esteem it deserves. Yes, it has it's frustrating, why-do-I-live-here moments (parking authority and traffic come to mind), but overall it has been and always will be Philadelphia, city of Brotherly Love, with the largest urban park system in the country, a World Series winning baseball team (Go Phils!), great food, and above all great people. I'm leaving lots of friends and loved ones here. Lots of memories, lots of laughs and irritations...I am grateful to know how excited everyone is for me in this adventure (and to Dan & Mar, I'm finally letting you know ahead of time I need Friday off). I'm grateful that in this time of information tech, no one is more than an email away.

So as I take this last look at the ocean with all of my memories, I think of the vastness of the space I'm moving in to. Not the cabin of course, but the vast potential for my life! Anything can happen out there! And in here (hand on my heart). I have no idea what awaits, I only trust my heart is leading me in the best direction for me at this time. Whether this is foolishness or courage will be decided at a later date. For now, as I spiral into my center, my core and heart, as I look at my empty room, and think of the unknown I'm diving into, I also the vastness of the ocean, how there will always be unexplored areas and unknown creatures. I feel exitement moving through me and I can't help but smile... I'm ready!

Swimming Pool Tsunami

Image via Wikipedia

So there I was, lazily floating around my swimming pool of familiarity...

That's as far as I got with the entry I tried to write a few weeks ago, but I love the line so i'll start again from there.

It's Sunday night. One week left in Philadelphia. One week left of all that is familiar...though, as my dear friend Barbara pointed out, “Well, you'll be the same.” (Thank you for that, Barbara!) Yes, I am so grateful I know myself. Grateful that I know how fear is triggered within, grateful to trust that joy and love are the basis of my Self beyond those fears, and grateful that I have learned mechanisms for witnessing myself move into these unknown areas. As excited as I am to be making this transition, the question still remains: Will I make it out there? Will I be a productive member of my new community? How will my relationship change?

Truth is, even if I don't make it, even if it all goes terribly wrong, I feel I still am making the right choice for me. I am following my heart big time on this, not just following the love of my life but following the vision I've had for my own life. Many people have called me courageous. I always say foolish. Some wise friend of mine recently said the difference between the two is in the outcome of the situation which cannot be known until later. Hindisght is still 20/20.

So I hope this move is a courageous one. If it turns out to be foolish, I won't mind getting a little egg on my face.

Back to packing...

Still Surfing!

As it often happens, August flew by.  (wonder if that's because there's no national holidays?)  There will be a new entry soon...I'm winding up for the big move to Twisp, Washington and I will be writing of the transition that's taking place on almost every level of my life.  Hope you join me! 

Food...or water...for thought

Image via Wikipedia

When I was living at the shore for the summer, many of my friends were surfers. I love surfing! I love the idea of riding elements of nature, almost as if we mere mortals were able to tame them. In reality, I'm scared to death of waves. That was my biggest impediment to learning to surf and why I've only been out a few times. Let me clarify, and I will preface with the belief that I'm pretty sure I drowned in a very recent lifetime: when I am in the ocean and my feet aren't solidly on the ground and a wave is moving towards me, I begin to panic. This is the classic, breath goes crazy irregular and shallow and you can't talk yourself out of it. All signs in the moment point to 'get out now!' I've been able to paddle past the break to attempt riding waves only because I had friends very close by either towing me out or talking me through it. Breath was still shallow until I was past the break. So as I fall asleep this late evening, or rather early morning, I wonder if my ability to experience the waves in my life will be reflected in my ability to paddle into and past a break.

As I snuggled in to my pillow, I imagined myself snuggling in my new bed that is awaiting for me with it's 6'2'' tall drink of water. Then I thought of the waves of his visit last week...or is it already 2 weeks ago?...At another place in my life, I would have been more easily overwhelmed by the level of centeredness, self-awareness, and intimacy required. I would have shut down, unable to communicate, isolating most likely by alienating myself or provoking the man I love into leaving me. However, as I look back at the last few weeks, and to the upcoming weather forecast/wave report, I feel, see, and recognize the sensation of being hit by wave after wave. I know that the ocean isn't going to stop, the waves are going to keep coming and there's always that rogue, large set that you know is coming, you're just not sure when. Am I lulling myself into a sense of security that because I have been successfully riding—even Hanging 10! (OK, maybe 5)—the recent set of waves that I am prepared for the next? Or am I finally realizing that no one has ever truly mastered surfing, just as no one has 'mastered' yoga and it's only about the passion to get back on the board?

I may be ready to try paddling out again.

Picked Up by Another Wave...and another...and another

What a full couple of weeks it's been. July is nearly over since my last entry! It's been such a roller coaster and, since hindsight is 20/20, I can see how my experience of the last few weeks has been a beautiful flowering and unfolding into deeper levels of knowing Self. Let me explain. When I last wrote, I was nearly finished with a Yin Yoga training. I was feeling emotionally and mentally full which was manifesting as an uncomfortable level of anxiety.

The anxiety was bleeding into plans for a tribal meeting between my family and my man's family and it got to a point where I was so stressed out, I didn't even want to see my lover who I hadn't seen in over 4 months! With the help of a friend, I discovered my stress and anxiety was another level of an old Schizoid character habit, another depth of, 'this situation is dangerous and if it doesn't work, I'm dead.' No matter how ridiculous that sounds, there are places in all of us that can identify with this even if not to this extreme. With this new awareness, I put off any more conversations about the tribal event until after my visit with Amma. I instantly felt better with that decision made. Trough of the wave sliding back into the ocean: letting yourself be pulled under, knowing you'll be returning to the ocean.

So I went to see Amma. Got there early the first day, got a hug earlier in the day and stayed until 11pm. It felt like I was on retreat. I was in a meditative place all day. Before my hug, watched my expectations wonder if my experience was going to be like those going before me. Would my hug be something special? Would I cry? Would it be long or short? It was such a gift to be able to see all these questions move through and not react to them! How novel!

When I did receive my hug, it felt blissfully long. She whispered something in my ear that I didn't understand. And I didn't cry, as I anticipated. I was simply...present. It took me hours to put a name to what I was feeling and when I did understand, I was surprised at the answer: Contentment. I could watch my cravings and desire move through without reacting to them. I walked around and looked at all the pretty things to purchase, all the yummy food to eat, smells to take in, etc...and I wasn't being driven by these desires as I normally would. I could feel them and choose to participate in them or not. It was strange. I was content as I was. And it was strange that contentment was a strange experience! I also feel that if I had not spent the previous few days in the depths of emotional turmoil & stress, I wouldn't have been open to experience this new awareness.  Who knows what my experience would have been like without the previous few days...i guess the beauty of staying in the present moment means less time contemplating 'what ifs'.   The wave crests again, and I am lifted to a new perspective. 

To be continued...

Derailed...but right on track

First....exhale.......inhale.........exhale.....

ok, now I can start. Phew, the last couple of days have seemed a little rough! Anyone else? Is there something in the stars or is it my own personal drama flaring up? I'm looking into it!

I have been taking a yin yoga teacher training with the wonderful Corina Benner over at Wake Up Yoga. My suspicions that this style is one of the missing pieces to a puzzle I've been working on have been confirmed. It has been helping me make connections between subtle movements of the body with the mind and emotions....and among many things, I now understand why the Manomaya Kosha is called the 'mental-emotional body.' The two are synonymous, when you have thoughts, they create a ripple through the energy field. These ripples are emotions...and some times they are tidal waves!

I've been feeling great from so much yoga. Practicing Yin 3-5 times a week is driving me to practice more vinyasa...which changes my eating habits, sleep patterns, etc.  I found my intuition online, getting messages from postures and having visions during savasana. Don't remember the last time my Ajna chakra kicked in like this.

So, in riding the waves of feelin' good, I became aware of the contrast of this anxiety creeping in. It certainly wasn't underlying, it was quite obvious. Can't sleep, can't sit still, (or can only sit still), fidgety, jaw tight, etc. I observed with curiousity, chalked it up to nervousness over preparations for a wedding I officated, then told myself it was because my entire family is coming to town (most of them), and my man is coming to town. Also blamed the lunar eclipse, the solstice and so much sunlight...there are lots of things to place it on. Though that's true and I could blame my anxiety on outside influences, I've understood that difficult emotions, and therefore circumstances, usually come from within. No one can make me have them. They are contained within me for release at the appropriate time for learning and digesting...and there's no time like the present.

It feels as if I've been toppled from the crest of the wave just as I was kneeling on the surfboard and that experience has revealed a way to catch it the next time...and there's always another wave.

As I digest,

Happy Independence Day,
Maureen

Summer Solstice!

Hello Sun Worshippers! I'm feeling the vibrancy of the sun on this sacred day of the year. Enjoying the heat, honoring its life-giving force. I could say many words but I think Hafiz has written of it much more eloquently than I:

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says to the earth,

“You owe

Me.”

Look

What happens

With a love like that,

It lights the

Whole

Sky.

The Scarecrow Knows

I find that when I start writing about a subject, I'm filled with ideas and the path of the story seems quite clear. Then I start thinking about what I'm writing and I begin to understand it in a different way and the seemingly clear path is suddenly full of twists and turns. I say this because I had what I thought was a clear vision in a discussion of characterology and the masochist is now filled with twists and turns. I feel like i'm standing at the intersection and the Scarecrow hasn't yet revealed which way to go.

Part of the difficulty is that I've been reading this book about forgiveness and learning how to forgive myself for all the masochistic behaviors I've been indulging in. In that process, my focus has been shifting toward understanding the process of forgiveness and away from the details of my self-defeating beliefs. However, I believe the two lines of inner-space exploration may merge down the road, but how can one take two different roads at the same time to find where they meet? I hear Scarecrow say: Take the middle road.

Before I step down that path, here's a story I recently read illustrating the middle road (sorry, can't remember where): Mozart asked Haydn if he could play this particular piece of music. Haydn began playing and reached a point of the piece where he was supposed to play a note in the middle of the scale when one hand was far into the low notes and the other was far into the high notes. He claimed to Mozart, 'This is impossible, no one can play this!' Mozart replied, 'I can,' and proceeded to sit at the piano. When it came to the difficult center note he bent over and hit the key with his nose.

So here's to finding the center note with my nose. Jai!

The Great Wall of Inner Space

The character structure I am singling out in this entry is one of the toughest to work with, in my opinion, though that may be because I have known it intimately as a part of myself. However, I feel that in order to become a kinder, more peaceful culture, we need to address these parts of ourselves and be kind to those that identify with this character strongly. This is the Masochist character. Yes, another friendly name. This persona is the sensitive one of the bunch. They are emotionally intuitive, highly creative and tenaciously persistent. 

Unfortunately, at some point in their development, as they tried to express their uniqueness, they were deeply humiliated or shamed and as a way to protect themselves, they built walls within that contain their big hearts and spirits. These walls work two ways. First, they prevent external energies from getting in so that another humiliation cannot reach into and effect the inner self. They also contain the person's essence which prevents the inner self from shining out. As such, those with this character structure find it difficult to express their individuality or allow their creativity to flow. Also, when one has negative thoughts or feelings, rather than being allowed to flow outward, they are turned inward to self. Hence, the 'masochism', the ability to bring pain to oneself. Here we become our own worst enemy. Here we reduce, compact, hide our free spirit and our energy becomes stagnant. In order to feel something real, these characters often provoke those around them so they can say, 'ha ha, you can't get me' and feel justified in retreating within.

I feel this is the toughest to work with because of the internal conflict created by the belief that Self must be hidden and denied though there is a longing for free expression of the same Self. There's a feeling that 'I must' express (blank), but “I won't.” Think of a caged, agitated animal pacing back and forth. It doesn't realize the door to the cage is unlocked and can easily open. It doesn't realize it's free.

These guys often create external situations that reflect their pain rather than dealing with the source. They may 'stuff' or overload themselves with negativity, unhealthy food, too much work, etc. When I think of the obesity epidemic in this country, I feel that this character and these issues need to come to the surface. We need to let our kids freely express themselves and not have them worrying about what they look like, or whether they have the latest, greatest gadget. We also need to learn, as a culture, to nourish ourselves with healthy foods and thoughts. Banging ourselves constantly into the walls of the inner fortress is no longer working. I thought this country was founded by those trying to escape repression and domination and a couple hundred years later, we've created our own version. We have forgotten we are free to make our own choices and express our unique creations.

More to come...i'll share more of how I have known this character in my own life as I re-learn the power healthy choice and expression.

Characters

When I was in school, we spent lots of time learning about character structures. These are five basic ways that we structure our energy based on our defense patterns and our greatest gifts. We all are a blend of these five structures yet we tend to favor one or two of them. When I was first learning them, I identified with the Rigid structure. This structure holds a belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with who they really are so they create a mask of perfection to prevent anyone from finding out. The gift of this structure, when they can accept themselves as they are, is to become the archetypal adventurer and hero, easily inspiring and leading others. 

After working with this character within and through the grace of objective awareness and self-study (svadhyaya in the yoga world), I realized that I was such a Schizoid, I didn't even know it! The Schizoid character likes to vacate the physical body energetically. This is the person who, even though they are smiling and nodding, seeming intent on your conversation, you get a sense that they are far, far away. Though this pattern was created by an existential fear that to exist means to die, their gifts include being able to understand and connect to the oneness of all life. They are quite creative and imaginative and are usually sensitive to the 'vibes' of whatever situation they find themselves in. After working with this character structure so that I felt more at home in the physical world, which not incidentally was greatly helped by my yoga practice, I began to discover how the other characterologies worked in my life.  
 

Next, the Oral character showed up. I believe this is one of the most common, one that we have all experienced at some point in our lives. This character is the one that believes there is never enough. We are not good enough, we will never have enough, and we are 'less than' fill in the blank here. Those who identify with this character tend to be highly intelligent, very articulate, and are natural teachers. They are also sensitive to issues of injustice.

The one I identify with the least, though it has certainly revealed itself on occasion, is the Psychopath character. I still wish there was a friendlier name for this structure but that could simply my own bias to this energy pattern. These characters are leaders. They have vision though unfortunately they may pull many of us down, or walk over us, to achieve their goals. This is the part of us that must be right or we shall die. The flip side is demonstrated in this character's ability to be straightforward, to uphold noble values, and to manage complicated projects. They are also sensitive to power/control issues and have sweet, tender hearts.

Finally, there is so much to say about the fifth character structure, the Masochist, that it's going to get its own entry.  This character is the crux of my sugar challenge!  Stay tuned while I take a yoga break and collect my thoughts!

Confirmation

Last night's lack of sleep confirmed for me that there is too much sugar in my diet. I have often struggled with sleeping through the night and have a habit of waking in the middle of the night, usually between 3 and 5 a.m. Back in February I did an experiment where I removed refined sugar and wheat from my diet. I used small amounts of agave nectar in my tea and indulged in super-dark chocolate on a couple of occasions yet, other than that I was free from wheat and sugar. Boy, what a difference! Not only was I sleeping through the night, I was waking feeling rested and clear. My mood improved and I even lost a few pounds. So why is it so hard to make the simple choice to go back to where I was feeling happier, lighter, more joyful? Oh, if only that answer were easy.  Beginnings of the way in to come soon... Please, continue reading.

Love to all, may you all find your greatest joys and follow your hearts.

Returns and Beginnings

I could say that I'm back from Hawaii. Many of you have seen me physically in class, yet I am still feeling drawn to far off places mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Each day is a little easier as I ground myself into home and work and as I shift gears...more on that in a sec.

How was my trip, you ask? The english language falls short here. Using words such as amazing, wonderful, beautiful pale in comparison to the actual experience. I just re-read the intention I set the night before I left: “Fun, laughter, love, yoga and meditation, breathing in the beauty and reaching yet another level of intimacy with myself and my partner,” and I can say that all of these were fulfilled. (But then, as soon as you ask, your intention or prayer is answered.) The picture above was taken overlooking the west coast of Molokai and I hope you can see/feel the sheer Joy that was pulsing through me in that moment.

I am sure more stories of Hawaii will be told but for now let me presence myself here on the east coast.

Today is a gorgeous day, sunny with highs in the 80's. Days like this make winter feel far away. Days like this also bring to my awareness that summer is soon here, with fall following on its heels, and that my moving date will be approaching soon. I realized right before I left how I was delaying the start of clearing out things I will not be taking with me to the west. I'm imagining that I will be getting rid of over half of what I own, hopefully more. Have any of you readers undergone such a purge? I remember when my beau was in process of getting rid of things he no longer needed/wanted. He had been a DJ in Philly and had collected dozens, maybe hundreds of albums over the years. At that time I was moving back to the east coast after about a year in California and had stopped to visit on my way home. I almost offered to take them all for him until he would want them again, feeling for sure that he would miss them! A part of me as well couldn't imagine that he was giving up music. Little did I know he had no intentions of giving up music, he was just downsizing to the smaller physical space of CDs and eventually iPod. My heart leaps with joy to know that he's gone digital and is Dj-ing again. The point of this story is about the attachment to stuff. I was attached to the emotional experience of watching him spin records. I have books on my shelf and clothes in my closet that are only there because everytime I try to let them go I say, 'I might wear that', or, 'that book may come in handy.' I am sure many of you understand and have had the same experience.

However, what am I really attached to? If it was actually the thing, I probably would have at least picked it up or tried it on again more that once in the last few years. This answer will be different for many of us but for me it is a sense of, 'just in case.' Just in case I decide to study Joseph Campbell's thoughts on mythology, I have several of his books. Just in case I need to know about Shiatsu or something about yogic philosophy, I have two shelves of books! Just in case, I want to wear that dress that I've worn once and that never really fit right. Just in case I am feeling insecure about my place in the world and I need to be prepared for anything! ...Well, is that really ever possible, to be prepared for anything?

As I feel into this for myself I'm feeling how not trusting the world around us reflects a mistrust of ourselves. Insecurity within creates a feeling of insecurity in the world. So how can that change? Honestly, I'm about to find out and will be sharing my experience with you as I go through it. I have a feeling it has something to do with keeping the bigger picture in mind and trusting that whatever resources you need will be available when you need them.

Taking the leap of faith,
Maureen

Help is on the Way

While knowledge of the vrittis is helpful, I have found it more helpful to be aware of the obstacles to a clear mind instead of focusing on which category of thought I am in. Let me know if you who are reading this have never experienced the following (and if you haven't, I would love to meet you!): Cravings, aversions, fear, ignorance, ego.
(in sanskrit: raga, dvesha, abhinivesha, avidya, asmita)

These are the kleshas, or obstacles to clear thought. Obstacles to the truth that we are not our thoughts, discussed at length at the beginning of the second chapter of the Sutras. I find it is often easier to catch myself in one of these states of mind, often several times a day, and when I do, I can say, “Oh, here's an obstacle, here's a chance to come back to the center of the wheel.” In that moment of awareness, I create a space between the thought and my mind's, body's, and/or spirit's reaction to that thought. In that space I have an opportunity to choose something different. Of course, in some moments it is easier to be aware than others and even in those moments of clear awareness, I can still choose to act from the illusion that mind and Self are the same. So, it's not about stopping thoughts, banishing these obstacles, or always choosing the 'higher path' (whatever that is), it's about creating space.

Think of a tiger in a cage, pacing and restless. Hardly an image of contentment. Give that tiger a bigger cage, or better yet, free it from its limitations, and it will find contentment and peace. Our spirit is like this tiger, when caged it is restless. The limiting forms of our thoughts create the cage and so, the more we allow our Self to be defined by limited beliefs, the smaller, stronger, more secure the cage and the more agitated the tiger becomes. I have found that simply being aware of when my mind is engaged in limiting thought, (when I catch myself craving, or in fear or any of the other kleshas) even if I still choose to act from this belief, it creates an opening in the cage. It creates a space for me to recognize that I am not that which I think, I am not my cravings, I am something more...there is another possibility for my Being, for freedom (moksha).

May you know your greatest joy and experience freedom of being,
Namaste.

(as an aside, i just discovered taking amino acid supplements can help with sugar cravings!)

Snowplow

Since this entry will be available for you while i'm in Hawaii, I will say here I am torn between hoping that if it's going to snow again, it does so while I'm away and praying that Philly doesn't have to deal with more snow this year.

All this talk about watching the mind may be useful in yoga class yet, how does this work when in the throes of an unpleasant experience in the real world? Maybe this tale will help:

The Methow valley (see above pic) this year has yet to see normal amounts of snowfall and is seeing warmer than average temperatures. (We may have gotten more snow in Philly!) That being said, there are still places to enjoy all those winter sports like cross-country skiing. During my visit to the Methow valley over the holidays, I went cross-country skiing for the second time as an adult. The first was here back in March. This run was at a snow park called 'South Summit' with groomed trails. Made it up fine, knew there would be downhill that I was looking forward and once we got to the top. My friends gave me a couple of quick pointers: the ski tracks were going to run out at this one point on the hill, so after that, snowplow to slow down or just fall to your side. Great. Sounds easy. I quickly realized I was unprepared for the steepness and speed of the descent.

The snow was icy and the tracks were too fast for me. It took less than a minute to realize I had no idea how to snowplow. I felt like a baby fawn finding it's legs for the first time (picture Bambi falling on the ice over and over). What's a girl to do? I tried, and tried, and tried...falling to the side, on my bottom, on my knees, on my bottom again, and again. Then I started getting frustrated. Ok...in the momoent: i'm watching myself in this learning process, mindful of my thoughts and emotions. I hear myself saying, 'god, maureen, you should be able to do something this simple...what's wrong with you?' I would respond by telling myself, 'ok, i'm learning, give myself space...' Or I would start praying for divine intervention. And then I would fall again. I felt my pride welling up bruised, very aware of the two men in front of me, patiently waiting (or were they just pretending patience and inside they were laughing?). I stayed with the effort...i kinda had to or be carried down the hill...and was mindful, focused, and determined. Then I saw my fellow skiers waiting for me. I stood up, tried to ski down and fell again right at their feet. Then I tried to stand up and I fell again. OK, enough is enough and the frustration boiled over. I wish I had a sound recording for you here, there was a lot of cursing and muttering and shaking of my head and arms. I probably would have kicked my feet too if they weren't attached to skis! Then, I got up and continued falling the rest of the way down the hill. I was overjoyed at the bottom that my friend had filled a couple of large thermos' with spiked hot chocolate. It never tasted so good.

How did mindfulness work here? It allowed me to be present with what I was experiencing. It allowed me to find space in the discomfort and it allowed the emotions of frustration and fear to pass through without being held on to and amplified even further. And then when I was at the bottom, I was still present. I was able to hold myself in the space I was in, not trying to be other than I was, honoring the challenge I was faced with.

Mindfulness isn't about always being happy and content. It's about accepting the moment as it is, in its entirety, and creating space for you to decide how you are going to act.

I can't wait to get back out there...for now, however, the jungles of Hawaii!
Namaste. Jai!

The Spirit of Aloha

Tomorrow I head to the islands of Hawaii. (insert squeal of excitement) This will be my first visit back since i stayed on the Big Island for three months in 2003...come to think of it, I'll be a new person upon my return as our entire body regenerates itself every seven years! (how did they discover that?) I find myself thinking of where i was in my life then and where i am now. That trip was life-changing for me. Before Hawaii, I spent little time being self-aware, I had only dabbled in yoga...and truthfully, it's hard to remember much of my life before then! I think most of it was spent in a haze of smoke and drink. During Hawaii, I was touched by the goddess Pele. It was the first time i was eating fresh, organic food, breathing fresh air, drinking fresh water. After Hawaii, life felt more vibrant & I started the Barbara Brennan school that same year. I remember nights awake in the little bungalow I had rented feeling the changes taking place within. Often I feel the cells of my body vibrating and my dreams were vivid and lucid. I have a feeling this trip will be no less transformative as my beloved and I frolic in paradise. I'm trying to find a balance between planning and allowing the unknown to take place.

Many of you have heard how important intention is to me so here is my intention, stated as clearly as i can: Fun, laughter, love, yoga and meditation, breathing in the beauty and reaching yet another level of intimacy with myself and my partner. I'd like to spend time envisioning the next phase of my life.
I'll let you know how it goes!

Oh! and for those who are intensely dreaming of the islands...or any other dream location on our planet, I highly recommend Google Earth.

Aloha!
and Mahalo for reading!

Turn, Turn, Turn

As it is often helpful to have a map when exploring new territory, I'd like to return to a discussion of the yoga sutras by talking about the turnings of the mind. What are these vritti that cloud our perception, allowing us to believe we are limited creatures, and how do we know begin to know them?

For this discussion, I find it helpful to tune in to the image of a wagon wheel. I first came across this image in the Jivamukti Yoga book and many of you have heard me speak of it. Basically, much of our experience happens at the outer edge of this wheel, the ups & downs, the bumps in the road, the smoothly paved path before us, etc. The goal of yoga is to find ourselves at the center of the wheel so while we are still aware & conscious of that which happens on the outer edge, we may not be pulled and/or pushed by our experiences and thoughts. We can remain calm and connected in our center.

Sutra I.5 states that the mind turns in five basic ways which are either painful or painless: “Vrittayah panchatayyah klishta-aklishtah.” Here, 'painful' and 'painless' must not be confused with happy and unhappy or pleasure and lack of pleasure. Happy and pleasurable events can still bring us pain. For example, love can lead to heart break, which can then lead to a great awakening; we can become very uncomfortable after the joy of a pleasurable meal, etc. The sutras go on to discuss these five categories: correct knowledge, incorrect knowledge, imagination, sleep and memory. At any given time are minds are spinning one of these ways of thinking.

The Sutras continue:
Sutra I.12 Turnings of the mind (vrittis) are restrained by practice and non-attachment.
Sutra I.13 Of these two, effort toward steadiness of mind is practice.

Whatever you do that slows your mind so you can watch the thoughts, if it's knitting, if you knit with total focus on the task, this is also your yoga. However, if you knit because it allows you to 'check out,' than this is something else entirely. Think of this as slowing the wheel down to inspect it for wear and tear. You don't have to be on your mat or sitting somewhere with your legs crossed and your eyes closed to be practicing steadiness of mind. You could be in traffic, you could be in line at the grocery store. As you practice in these small ways, it ingrains the habit in your mind and soon you will be aware of your thoughts more often than not.

In my own life, I used to berate myself for not sitting at least 20 minutes a day until I realized the goal of this sitting was to create mindfulness in all the other little moments. Now I find myself more willing to sit still, allowing my mind and spirit to integrate all that I have been aware of throughout the day. The significance of this comes back to the sutras: Whatever you enjoy doing that allows the mind to come into complete focus so it is not running around like a crazy monkey, this is your yoga. Has any good ever come from crazy monkeys running around amok?

Being aware of our thoughts all the time may be a stretch but look at it this way: If your car has broken down, don't you spend the time and money to get it fixed? If you are in love, don't you spend countless joyful days and weeks on end getting to know every detail of that person? Why don't we do this for ourselves?

Something to contemplate until next time. Jai!

Looking for Inspiration

I'm surrounded by information: I have about 5 books I am in some stage of reading and the infinite space of the internet is but a flip of the laptop away. I keep looking for answers, for the clarity that will shine light on the path I am to take to joy and freedom. However, the more I desire clarity and knowing and the deeper I dive into my search for information, the more I realize the answer is to sit still and inspire myself through breath. Have I done that yet? Well, i'll get to it in yoga class today. So why am I not breathing, inspiring myself right now?

Perhaps it has to do with the coffee. First caffeinated cup in 2 weeks. Perhaps it's knowing i'll be in class in an hour. Perhaps (and I suspect this is the winner) I am afraid of what i'll hear or how I will be moved. Did your mind/heart have a blip of, 'that doesn't make sense?' How can you want something and be afraid to attain it at the same time? Marianne Williamson said this: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Sit with this for a moment. Feel into the truth of this. Yes, there are moments where we fear we are 'less than___' or we are shamed for not being ___ yet, think about something that you've always wanted. Feel it, taste it, hear it, see it. Now ask yourself, why am I not moving toward this? At some point you will feel the fear of actually attaining that which brings us pleasure and joy.

Now this concept could be a trigger for more negative feelings: shame, anger, sadness. Or, it could free us and motivate us to stop delaying and move toward joy. The choice is ours. The choice is always ours no matter how our external circumstances seem.

I hope this inspires you to move toward your joy. I hope this inspires to reach for your dreams and let your light shine brightly. Let's enjoy some adventures together as we move into our joy. inhale, exhale

Happy New Year!

One of my favorite holidays. A time to celebrate renewal, beginnings, change. All things that at times we resist with great force or we move through with grace. How many times have we set new year's resolutions that lasted less than a month? How many ways have we self-sabotaged our best intentions? What's going to happen this year?

For me, I'm facing a whole lifestyle change this year. From the city where i've lived for the better part of a decade, to a farm without running water. Already this year i've done things I never thought I'd do, much less love them...like bathing outside in below freezing temps.

My wishes for all of you in the new year: I wish for you to discover your heart's light and invest your energy in continuously coming back to that light.
I hope you try something new, something that you've been afraid of so you can feel that our fear is often greater than what we believe we are afraid of.
I wish you fall in love everyday.