Picked Up by Another Wave...and another...and another

What a full couple of weeks it's been. July is nearly over since my last entry! It's been such a roller coaster and, since hindsight is 20/20, I can see how my experience of the last few weeks has been a beautiful flowering and unfolding into deeper levels of knowing Self. Let me explain. When I last wrote, I was nearly finished with a Yin Yoga training. I was feeling emotionally and mentally full which was manifesting as an uncomfortable level of anxiety.

The anxiety was bleeding into plans for a tribal meeting between my family and my man's family and it got to a point where I was so stressed out, I didn't even want to see my lover who I hadn't seen in over 4 months! With the help of a friend, I discovered my stress and anxiety was another level of an old Schizoid character habit, another depth of, 'this situation is dangerous and if it doesn't work, I'm dead.' No matter how ridiculous that sounds, there are places in all of us that can identify with this even if not to this extreme. With this new awareness, I put off any more conversations about the tribal event until after my visit with Amma. I instantly felt better with that decision made. Trough of the wave sliding back into the ocean: letting yourself be pulled under, knowing you'll be returning to the ocean.

So I went to see Amma. Got there early the first day, got a hug earlier in the day and stayed until 11pm. It felt like I was on retreat. I was in a meditative place all day. Before my hug, watched my expectations wonder if my experience was going to be like those going before me. Would my hug be something special? Would I cry? Would it be long or short? It was such a gift to be able to see all these questions move through and not react to them! How novel!

When I did receive my hug, it felt blissfully long. She whispered something in my ear that I didn't understand. And I didn't cry, as I anticipated. I was simply...present. It took me hours to put a name to what I was feeling and when I did understand, I was surprised at the answer: Contentment. I could watch my cravings and desire move through without reacting to them. I walked around and looked at all the pretty things to purchase, all the yummy food to eat, smells to take in, etc...and I wasn't being driven by these desires as I normally would. I could feel them and choose to participate in them or not. It was strange. I was content as I was. And it was strange that contentment was a strange experience! I also feel that if I had not spent the previous few days in the depths of emotional turmoil & stress, I wouldn't have been open to experience this new awareness.  Who knows what my experience would have been like without the previous few days...i guess the beauty of staying in the present moment means less time contemplating 'what ifs'.   The wave crests again, and I am lifted to a new perspective. 

To be continued...