Food...or water...for thought

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When I was living at the shore for the summer, many of my friends were surfers. I love surfing! I love the idea of riding elements of nature, almost as if we mere mortals were able to tame them. In reality, I'm scared to death of waves. That was my biggest impediment to learning to surf and why I've only been out a few times. Let me clarify, and I will preface with the belief that I'm pretty sure I drowned in a very recent lifetime: when I am in the ocean and my feet aren't solidly on the ground and a wave is moving towards me, I begin to panic. This is the classic, breath goes crazy irregular and shallow and you can't talk yourself out of it. All signs in the moment point to 'get out now!' I've been able to paddle past the break to attempt riding waves only because I had friends very close by either towing me out or talking me through it. Breath was still shallow until I was past the break. So as I fall asleep this late evening, or rather early morning, I wonder if my ability to experience the waves in my life will be reflected in my ability to paddle into and past a break.

As I snuggled in to my pillow, I imagined myself snuggling in my new bed that is awaiting for me with it's 6'2'' tall drink of water. Then I thought of the waves of his visit last week...or is it already 2 weeks ago?...At another place in my life, I would have been more easily overwhelmed by the level of centeredness, self-awareness, and intimacy required. I would have shut down, unable to communicate, isolating most likely by alienating myself or provoking the man I love into leaving me. However, as I look back at the last few weeks, and to the upcoming weather forecast/wave report, I feel, see, and recognize the sensation of being hit by wave after wave. I know that the ocean isn't going to stop, the waves are going to keep coming and there's always that rogue, large set that you know is coming, you're just not sure when. Am I lulling myself into a sense of security that because I have been successfully riding—even Hanging 10! (OK, maybe 5)—the recent set of waves that I am prepared for the next? Or am I finally realizing that no one has ever truly mastered surfing, just as no one has 'mastered' yoga and it's only about the passion to get back on the board?

I may be ready to try paddling out again.