Food...or water...for thought

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When I was living at the shore for the summer, many of my friends were surfers. I love surfing! I love the idea of riding elements of nature, almost as if we mere mortals were able to tame them. In reality, I'm scared to death of waves. That was my biggest impediment to learning to surf and why I've only been out a few times. Let me clarify, and I will preface with the belief that I'm pretty sure I drowned in a very recent lifetime: when I am in the ocean and my feet aren't solidly on the ground and a wave is moving towards me, I begin to panic. This is the classic, breath goes crazy irregular and shallow and you can't talk yourself out of it. All signs in the moment point to 'get out now!' I've been able to paddle past the break to attempt riding waves only because I had friends very close by either towing me out or talking me through it. Breath was still shallow until I was past the break. So as I fall asleep this late evening, or rather early morning, I wonder if my ability to experience the waves in my life will be reflected in my ability to paddle into and past a break.

As I snuggled in to my pillow, I imagined myself snuggling in my new bed that is awaiting for me with it's 6'2'' tall drink of water. Then I thought of the waves of his visit last week...or is it already 2 weeks ago?...At another place in my life, I would have been more easily overwhelmed by the level of centeredness, self-awareness, and intimacy required. I would have shut down, unable to communicate, isolating most likely by alienating myself or provoking the man I love into leaving me. However, as I look back at the last few weeks, and to the upcoming weather forecast/wave report, I feel, see, and recognize the sensation of being hit by wave after wave. I know that the ocean isn't going to stop, the waves are going to keep coming and there's always that rogue, large set that you know is coming, you're just not sure when. Am I lulling myself into a sense of security that because I have been successfully riding—even Hanging 10! (OK, maybe 5)—the recent set of waves that I am prepared for the next? Or am I finally realizing that no one has ever truly mastered surfing, just as no one has 'mastered' yoga and it's only about the passion to get back on the board?

I may be ready to try paddling out again.

Picked Up by Another Wave...and another...and another

What a full couple of weeks it's been. July is nearly over since my last entry! It's been such a roller coaster and, since hindsight is 20/20, I can see how my experience of the last few weeks has been a beautiful flowering and unfolding into deeper levels of knowing Self. Let me explain. When I last wrote, I was nearly finished with a Yin Yoga training. I was feeling emotionally and mentally full which was manifesting as an uncomfortable level of anxiety.

The anxiety was bleeding into plans for a tribal meeting between my family and my man's family and it got to a point where I was so stressed out, I didn't even want to see my lover who I hadn't seen in over 4 months! With the help of a friend, I discovered my stress and anxiety was another level of an old Schizoid character habit, another depth of, 'this situation is dangerous and if it doesn't work, I'm dead.' No matter how ridiculous that sounds, there are places in all of us that can identify with this even if not to this extreme. With this new awareness, I put off any more conversations about the tribal event until after my visit with Amma. I instantly felt better with that decision made. Trough of the wave sliding back into the ocean: letting yourself be pulled under, knowing you'll be returning to the ocean.

So I went to see Amma. Got there early the first day, got a hug earlier in the day and stayed until 11pm. It felt like I was on retreat. I was in a meditative place all day. Before my hug, watched my expectations wonder if my experience was going to be like those going before me. Would my hug be something special? Would I cry? Would it be long or short? It was such a gift to be able to see all these questions move through and not react to them! How novel!

When I did receive my hug, it felt blissfully long. She whispered something in my ear that I didn't understand. And I didn't cry, as I anticipated. I was simply...present. It took me hours to put a name to what I was feeling and when I did understand, I was surprised at the answer: Contentment. I could watch my cravings and desire move through without reacting to them. I walked around and looked at all the pretty things to purchase, all the yummy food to eat, smells to take in, etc...and I wasn't being driven by these desires as I normally would. I could feel them and choose to participate in them or not. It was strange. I was content as I was. And it was strange that contentment was a strange experience! I also feel that if I had not spent the previous few days in the depths of emotional turmoil & stress, I wouldn't have been open to experience this new awareness.  Who knows what my experience would have been like without the previous few days...i guess the beauty of staying in the present moment means less time contemplating 'what ifs'.   The wave crests again, and I am lifted to a new perspective. 

To be continued...

Derailed...but right on track

First....exhale.......inhale.........exhale.....

ok, now I can start. Phew, the last couple of days have seemed a little rough! Anyone else? Is there something in the stars or is it my own personal drama flaring up? I'm looking into it!

I have been taking a yin yoga teacher training with the wonderful Corina Benner over at Wake Up Yoga. My suspicions that this style is one of the missing pieces to a puzzle I've been working on have been confirmed. It has been helping me make connections between subtle movements of the body with the mind and emotions....and among many things, I now understand why the Manomaya Kosha is called the 'mental-emotional body.' The two are synonymous, when you have thoughts, they create a ripple through the energy field. These ripples are emotions...and some times they are tidal waves!

I've been feeling great from so much yoga. Practicing Yin 3-5 times a week is driving me to practice more vinyasa...which changes my eating habits, sleep patterns, etc.  I found my intuition online, getting messages from postures and having visions during savasana. Don't remember the last time my Ajna chakra kicked in like this.

So, in riding the waves of feelin' good, I became aware of the contrast of this anxiety creeping in. It certainly wasn't underlying, it was quite obvious. Can't sleep, can't sit still, (or can only sit still), fidgety, jaw tight, etc. I observed with curiousity, chalked it up to nervousness over preparations for a wedding I officated, then told myself it was because my entire family is coming to town (most of them), and my man is coming to town. Also blamed the lunar eclipse, the solstice and so much sunlight...there are lots of things to place it on. Though that's true and I could blame my anxiety on outside influences, I've understood that difficult emotions, and therefore circumstances, usually come from within. No one can make me have them. They are contained within me for release at the appropriate time for learning and digesting...and there's no time like the present.

It feels as if I've been toppled from the crest of the wave just as I was kneeling on the surfboard and that experience has revealed a way to catch it the next time...and there's always another wave.

As I digest,

Happy Independence Day,
Maureen