Food...or water...for thought

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When I was living at the shore for the summer, many of my friends were surfers. I love surfing! I love the idea of riding elements of nature, almost as if we mere mortals were able to tame them. In reality, I'm scared to death of waves. That was my biggest impediment to learning to surf and why I've only been out a few times. Let me clarify, and I will preface with the belief that I'm pretty sure I drowned in a very recent lifetime: when I am in the ocean and my feet aren't solidly on the ground and a wave is moving towards me, I begin to panic. This is the classic, breath goes crazy irregular and shallow and you can't talk yourself out of it. All signs in the moment point to 'get out now!' I've been able to paddle past the break to attempt riding waves only because I had friends very close by either towing me out or talking me through it. Breath was still shallow until I was past the break. So as I fall asleep this late evening, or rather early morning, I wonder if my ability to experience the waves in my life will be reflected in my ability to paddle into and past a break.

As I snuggled in to my pillow, I imagined myself snuggling in my new bed that is awaiting for me with it's 6'2'' tall drink of water. Then I thought of the waves of his visit last week...or is it already 2 weeks ago?...At another place in my life, I would have been more easily overwhelmed by the level of centeredness, self-awareness, and intimacy required. I would have shut down, unable to communicate, isolating most likely by alienating myself or provoking the man I love into leaving me. However, as I look back at the last few weeks, and to the upcoming weather forecast/wave report, I feel, see, and recognize the sensation of being hit by wave after wave. I know that the ocean isn't going to stop, the waves are going to keep coming and there's always that rogue, large set that you know is coming, you're just not sure when. Am I lulling myself into a sense of security that because I have been successfully riding—even Hanging 10! (OK, maybe 5)—the recent set of waves that I am prepared for the next? Or am I finally realizing that no one has ever truly mastered surfing, just as no one has 'mastered' yoga and it's only about the passion to get back on the board?

I may be ready to try paddling out again.

Picked Up by Another Wave...and another...and another

What a full couple of weeks it's been. July is nearly over since my last entry! It's been such a roller coaster and, since hindsight is 20/20, I can see how my experience of the last few weeks has been a beautiful flowering and unfolding into deeper levels of knowing Self. Let me explain. When I last wrote, I was nearly finished with a Yin Yoga training. I was feeling emotionally and mentally full which was manifesting as an uncomfortable level of anxiety.

The anxiety was bleeding into plans for a tribal meeting between my family and my man's family and it got to a point where I was so stressed out, I didn't even want to see my lover who I hadn't seen in over 4 months! With the help of a friend, I discovered my stress and anxiety was another level of an old Schizoid character habit, another depth of, 'this situation is dangerous and if it doesn't work, I'm dead.' No matter how ridiculous that sounds, there are places in all of us that can identify with this even if not to this extreme. With this new awareness, I put off any more conversations about the tribal event until after my visit with Amma. I instantly felt better with that decision made. Trough of the wave sliding back into the ocean: letting yourself be pulled under, knowing you'll be returning to the ocean.

So I went to see Amma. Got there early the first day, got a hug earlier in the day and stayed until 11pm. It felt like I was on retreat. I was in a meditative place all day. Before my hug, watched my expectations wonder if my experience was going to be like those going before me. Would my hug be something special? Would I cry? Would it be long or short? It was such a gift to be able to see all these questions move through and not react to them! How novel!

When I did receive my hug, it felt blissfully long. She whispered something in my ear that I didn't understand. And I didn't cry, as I anticipated. I was simply...present. It took me hours to put a name to what I was feeling and when I did understand, I was surprised at the answer: Contentment. I could watch my cravings and desire move through without reacting to them. I walked around and looked at all the pretty things to purchase, all the yummy food to eat, smells to take in, etc...and I wasn't being driven by these desires as I normally would. I could feel them and choose to participate in them or not. It was strange. I was content as I was. And it was strange that contentment was a strange experience! I also feel that if I had not spent the previous few days in the depths of emotional turmoil & stress, I wouldn't have been open to experience this new awareness.  Who knows what my experience would have been like without the previous few days...i guess the beauty of staying in the present moment means less time contemplating 'what ifs'.   The wave crests again, and I am lifted to a new perspective. 

To be continued...

Characters

When I was in school, we spent lots of time learning about character structures. These are five basic ways that we structure our energy based on our defense patterns and our greatest gifts. We all are a blend of these five structures yet we tend to favor one or two of them. When I was first learning them, I identified with the Rigid structure. This structure holds a belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with who they really are so they create a mask of perfection to prevent anyone from finding out. The gift of this structure, when they can accept themselves as they are, is to become the archetypal adventurer and hero, easily inspiring and leading others. 

After working with this character within and through the grace of objective awareness and self-study (svadhyaya in the yoga world), I realized that I was such a Schizoid, I didn't even know it! The Schizoid character likes to vacate the physical body energetically. This is the person who, even though they are smiling and nodding, seeming intent on your conversation, you get a sense that they are far, far away. Though this pattern was created by an existential fear that to exist means to die, their gifts include being able to understand and connect to the oneness of all life. They are quite creative and imaginative and are usually sensitive to the 'vibes' of whatever situation they find themselves in. After working with this character structure so that I felt more at home in the physical world, which not incidentally was greatly helped by my yoga practice, I began to discover how the other characterologies worked in my life.  
 

Next, the Oral character showed up. I believe this is one of the most common, one that we have all experienced at some point in our lives. This character is the one that believes there is never enough. We are not good enough, we will never have enough, and we are 'less than' fill in the blank here. Those who identify with this character tend to be highly intelligent, very articulate, and are natural teachers. They are also sensitive to issues of injustice.

The one I identify with the least, though it has certainly revealed itself on occasion, is the Psychopath character. I still wish there was a friendlier name for this structure but that could simply my own bias to this energy pattern. These characters are leaders. They have vision though unfortunately they may pull many of us down, or walk over us, to achieve their goals. This is the part of us that must be right or we shall die. The flip side is demonstrated in this character's ability to be straightforward, to uphold noble values, and to manage complicated projects. They are also sensitive to power/control issues and have sweet, tender hearts.

Finally, there is so much to say about the fifth character structure, the Masochist, that it's going to get its own entry.  This character is the crux of my sugar challenge!  Stay tuned while I take a yoga break and collect my thoughts!

A Beginning

Hello fellow yogis!

It's been my wish for a long time to write a column, or a blog as they're called in this day and age. I've started and stopped, written lots of pieces but never got there because of the thousands of excuses I would create. Excuses such as: 'It won't be good,' 'no one will read it,' and my favorite, 'I don't have time.' Well, there's no time like the present! How many times have we heard and used that phrase without stopping to think what it really means?

The first Yoga Sutra states, “Atha yoga anushasanam: Now, the discipline of yoga” Now, not before, not later, but now. We have an image of our timeline with the present moment as an insignificant little dot, the line of the past extending infinitely behind, and the line of the future extending infinitely forward. Has anyone ever experienced the future as present? It may be easier to believe that the past comes into the present when we recall emotions, memories...yet, is that old moment really in the here and now? A teacher once described an alternate timeline in which the entire 'line' that we perceive to be past, present, and future, is in fact, all this present moment. So why is this a transformative idea?

With this new image of the present moment as the entirety of time, we may become more aware of how often does our mind reaches back into the past or dreams into the future. Both of these actions bring us out of the present moment, bring us out of contact with what is here in front of us now. We may miss a great opportunity, perhaps one we have always wished for, because our image we created in our mind does not match how it actually arrives. When we pull our past experiences into the present, we color that moment with what our history tells us, limiting the possibilities for the experience of the now. We often see this in relationship when we react to someone in a way we habitually reacted to another (say, our parents) in the past. We forget that this person isn't the other. We confuse past and present.

These ways our mind continuously pulls us forward and backwards, round and round, are called vritti or 'turnings' of the mind. The second yoga sutra states, “Yogash chitta vritti nirodah: Yoga is the cessation of the turnings of the mind.” Yoga, unification, happens when we can quiet the mind, when we become aware that we are not our thoughts, there is something, someone watching the thoughts that stays the same no matter where we are pulled in our mind. This watcher is the Purusha, or true seer. The third sutra: “Tada drashtuh svarupevasthanam :Then the Seer rests in it's own nature.” This Seer is the unchanging, non-judgmental, observing part of ourselves. The watcher of our thoughts, actions, feelings. If you are watching your thoughts and hear yourself labelling, judging, naming that which you are observing, than this is still the mind. The Purusha is just behind that curtain. It's the part of you that heard the judging, labelling or whatever. It is the part of our selves that is eternal, infinite, divine. “Otherwise,” sutra four, “the Self believes itself to be the turnings of the mind: Vritti sarupyam itaratra.”

Some say these four sutras describe the entirety of yoga practice. Some say that simply the first is the totality of yoga and all others describe that one. Being in the now, this moment here, where neither past or future exist, brings the mind to stillness and the Purusha, our infinite nature is revealed. And please, don't trust my words, try it out! How about now?